I never knew how mentally unstable change would make me. I used to love change. I went to two grade schools, two high schools, changed my college minor at least three times, even tried to change schools once. I’ve had at least two different jobs a year since I was fifteen. I was initially terrified of buying a new house because I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay in one place that long. My home used to be decorated in all neutrals so I could change out the accent colors each season. New experiences and new phases in life used to be exciting. I don’t know what changed, maybe age, but I’m just craving some normalcy.
Next week may be my last week at my new job. After a month of working there, I decided it just wasn’t for me. It wore me down physically and exhausted me mentally. Which is part of the reason I haven’t been on top of my health lately. My new new job will be a lot like the last two jobs I had before this last new jobs. Hmm. Let me simplify that. For over two and a half years (with a break in the middle) I worked for a remodeling company. First as an office assistant – typing estimates and invoices, following up with customers, ordering materials, and scheduling remodeling work. After quitting for a higher paying job I was asked to come back as a sales person. I still did a lot of office assistant work, but I was estimating and coordinating remodeling jobs for my own customers. I love what I did, but didn’t like the high pressure work environment. Things went downhill quickly there so I found a new job in accounting for a trucking company. I loved the monotony of my work (no joke!). I’m a very organized and systematic person so that office job was great. The bosses, not so great. Verbally abusive and terrible at communicating. This new new job is a combination of office work and remodeling sales. The owner of the company is a Christian and he’s chosen his staff very carefully. Most of his employees have been working for him for over 5 years! I’m cautiously optimistic.
Sounds great right? So why can’t I get excited about this change?
Because the bottom line pay is less than our bare minimum. I’ll be doing sales and earning commission eventually, but who knows when that’ll actually happen. On top of that, I found out about a weird contingency in my husband’s pay at his part time job which means his bottom line income may be less than we expected too. I know the Lord provides, and I’ve just been totally leaning on him, but I’m getting tired of waiting to catch my breath.
Since we’ve been married things have just been so much harder. I’ve never been an emotional person and I’m constantly on edge. Part of me feels like if we could just settle back into a normal routine things would get better. I thrive on structure and routine. Another part of me thinks that this isn’t what I expected “30 and married” to look like for me. I’d love to have a slightly larger home with neighbors that aren’t former gang members/drug dealers, and a nice week long vacation every winter. I also feel a little bit like I lost part of my identity when I got married. As a wife, I’ve transformed into the kind of person that complements my husband out of necessity. Some of the attributes I’ve acquired are great! I’m more patient, more affectionate, more tactful in my speaking. But I used to be a different kind of person. I used to be passionate, determined, and ambitious. Maybe it’s because I’ve now seen Divergent twice this week, that made me even think of this – the younger version of me would have been able to relate to the main character, Tris who is bright, brave, and strong. I think I’ve come a long way from that and it disappoints me.
Growing up happens, I get it. Jobs change. Income fluxes. Relationships grow. I know all that. The Lord is strong when I am weak. I know that too. It’s still just so hard living through it all. I know I’ve been working through a lot of serious stuff on here lately. Thanks for sticking around and hearing me out.